Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States ,wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death,when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe,do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sanddune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man,you was right,ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."  

"Give us a push"

A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push, he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes, comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Puns for those with a higher IQ or anyone who wishes to increase theirs!!!

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?  It's a dead give away.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Never Upset A Nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out.

He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing..... After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

Watch how you vote!

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and  champagne.Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off  in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ... Today you voted.'

Colonoscopies are not funny, but this...

ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:  

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of  America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.    

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my  preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically   water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of  goat poo and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon�

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.   At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. 

I was seriously nervous at this point..    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. 

Really.  I slept through it. 

One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.    

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies..... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1.  'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2.  'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3.  'Can you hear me NOW?'

4.  'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5.  'You know, in  Arkansas  , we're now legally married.'

6.  'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7.  'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8.  'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9.  'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

And the best one of all:

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

British Hospitals - True Stories

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Some things u would love to say out loud at work.......

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.  

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.  

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.  

I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.  

I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.  

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.   

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.    

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.  

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.  

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 

What am I? Flypaper for freaks? 

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.    

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.  

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.  

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.  

If I throw a stick, will you leave?  

Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.    

Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?  

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.  

How do I set a laser printer to stun?  

I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.  

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent. 

Aren't you a black hole of need!

I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?    

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?  

If you have something to say raise your hand...then place it over your mouth.  

I'm too busy; can I ignore you some other time?  

Don't let your mind wander; it�s too small to be let out on its own.  

You're not yourself today; I noticed the improvement straight away.  

Don't believe everything you think. 

Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.   

Management Course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you �200 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her �200 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the �200 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life...' Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

What kids write

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you are even remotely familiar with scripture, you'll find this hilarious!

It comes from a roman catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked Questions about the old and new testaments. 

The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been Re-touched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and  ark  and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let him self be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the  red   sea  where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8, the egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. After wards, moses went up to  mount   cyanide  to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached  canada  .. Then joshua led the hebrews in the  battle  of geritol ..

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.  He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John  the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others be fore they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone..

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st.matthew who was also a taximan.

24.  St. Paul  cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another  name   for   marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse . This is called monotony.

Puns For the Educated

1.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it"."But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2.  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ....  and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3.  A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, Doctor!  I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

5.  Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts  wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression ...  "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6.  A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying,"We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7.  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8.  A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9.  There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ...  the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10.  A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said,"Let me tell you,with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.  

Each day you'll l find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks. Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.   (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Begone!

In a college music theory class one warm spring day, the other students and I were having a hard time concentrating. The heat was oppressive and a bee buzzed threateningly above our heads.

The teacher�oblivious to the dive-bombing menace�continued lecturing while the rest of us dodged and swatted at the invader. Finally, it landed on one student's open book. With a quick slap, he snapped the text shut, killing the bee. The professor, startled, looked up.

"What was that?" she asked, annoyed.

Thinking quickly, the killer answered sheepishly, "A bee flat."

The Cowboy Boots

(Anyyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years. 

Candid Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he went around  the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the  camera flashed. 

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he  drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.  He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. 

Two weeks later, he got five tickets for driving without a seat belt.       

Don't mess with your seniors!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.   The waiting room was filled with patients.   As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman.    He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;   YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.  

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,   'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,    BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

Shaggy dog story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You really can talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

Out of the mouths!

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of England some day. Both of her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
 
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!"
 
"Wow... what a worthy goal!" I told her. I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you �50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the �50 to use toward food and a new house."
 
She thought that over or a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the �50?"
 
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."
 
Her parents still aren't speaking to me

The next pandemic!!!

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning with flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes. As a result, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is serious - and it appears this is NOT an isolated case. Reports are flooding in from across the country of others now being diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone exhibiting the aforementioned symptoms, experts recommend a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and call in sick.

Then take the only drug proven to combat this usual type of flu - a Steak and Kidney Pie.

If that doesn't work, further application of the original liquid, in large quantities, has been shown to do the trick.

Wine Flu does not NEED to be life threatening! If treated early, it can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

NOTE

If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that the virus has mutated into Whine Flu. This is apparently particularly common in men and can spread to their partners whose symptoms may include a serious case of eye-rolling.

Rude Health

An 85-year-old couple had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Next, they went to the golf clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask", said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, �No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to�, was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your yoghurt and bran flakes. We could have been here 10 years ago!"

The Potty

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.

But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while.

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy ... I just haven't pooh yet."

Mother says: " Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "It works for the tomato sauce bottle."

Ouch!

After having their 11th child, a couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

Bang!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and used your mobile to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Prayer for hearing

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar." the Preacher says.

A young man gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Son, what do you want me to pray about for you."?

The man replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in the mans ear, and he places the other hand on top of his head and prays and prays and prays, he prays with all his might.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Son, how is your hearing now?"

The man says, "I don't know, Reverend, the hearing ain't till next Wednesday!"

Love in mental hospital

 Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

Can you get married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?  When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.
 
St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.
 
The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'
 
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
 
'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?  Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
 
'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.
 

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!  Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

How cute!

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an aeroplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.  But who's the fourth person?" 

 "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

My Kind of Doctor

I went to my doctor for a visit the other day and had a few questions for him. When I left his office, I felt like a million dollars. Here�s why:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. (I really laughed out loud over this one! )

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Lost...

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?"

"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am. But how did you know?"

"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Ooops a Daisy

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response 'Well, I'll be darned', then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make SURE you understand the question before offering the answer

Your Attention Please

EU Directive No. 456179

Please ensure that you are aware of this very important change.

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention

Daisy

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper.

Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan.

�What was that for?� he asked.

�Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with �Daisy� written on it?� she demanded.

�Oh honey,� he said. �Don�t you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races, Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on.�

The wife was satisfied and apologised for hitting him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading his newspaper when once again he is cracked on the head with the frying pan.

�What�s that for this time?� he asked.

�Your horse just phoned.� she said.

Tale of two cows

SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

EUROCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

LEHMAN BROTHERS VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

The Hare and the Blonde

A man is driving along a highway and sees a hare jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it,  but unfortunately the hare jumps right in front of the car

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the hare. Much to his dismay, the hare is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this hare and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead hare, bends down, and sprays the contents onto it.

The hare jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the hare stops, turns around and waves again. He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that hare?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a blonde joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave."

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays.

It lists some of the guests' complaints during the season. (Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA) 

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

 "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."   

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."    

 "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

 A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

 A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.   

 "The beach was too sandy."   

Construction site

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction  site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men  to  make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella  that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told  you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get  meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now..

He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.  

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!' 

Tell me you ain't smilin'..?  :)